October 15, 2019


I have been meaning to post an update on Willie for the past 2 weeks, but I have been at a total loss of what to say.

When we met with the doctors last month to discuss this plan of treatment, they all agreed that this round should be EASIER than his previous induction because he is generally healthy and it’s been 7 years since his last intense round of chemotherapy. His first round of induction in 2012 was a walk in the park so we came into this admission believing that it would be a piece of cake.

Boy, were we wrong!

He got high doses of 3 kinds of chemotherapy over a 5 day period then we waited for his counts to drop and come back up. When his white blood cells dropped, everything fell apart. It started with pain that was diagnosed as an abscess which went septic and landed him in the ICU for 3 days. I have never been so terrified in my entire life, but I’ve also never felt the powers of heaven so profoundly or been more aware of the abundance of love that surrounds us from family present, and past.

Before the ICU event I was completely unaware of how delicate life is. One minute we were talking and the next he had crashed into septic shock. There was no warning! I will forever be changed by this understanding of how precious life is. I am now grateful for every breath he takes, every extra moment we have together. That will never be taken for granted again!

The infection is now under control, but he has been set back physically and has been working with therapies to walk and gain strength. He hasn’t been able to get much rest because of pain, rashes, raw skin, and a constant interruption of hiccups that have been going on for 2 weeks!

I’ve never seen this level of suffering and my heart breaks for him that he has to endure this.

There has been a slow and painful death of my ego throughout this process. It’s been so uncomfortable to realize that what I want to happen doesn’t determine the outcome. One might think I would have learned that from the FIRST time we went through cancer, but that experience was completely different and we didn’t have a child then to add to our emotional pain.

Faith has always come easily to me and I trust completely that God has this planned out for me and my husband, but it doesn’t take away the ache of my human mind that wants what I want, which is for my little family to be healthy and together.

This morning I was feeling all of that pain. I miss my son so much that my heart physically aches, yet I know my husband needs me most right now. I thought of all of the trauma he has endured in such a short amount of time and how persistent his fight is to get better for our son. He is doing all of this for Beau. All of his suffering is to benefit me and Beau!

I was completely floored and humbled by this realization because I know another great man who suffered for me. His name is Jesus Christ and his pain and suffering went far beyond what I’ve ever been able to comprehend because I’ve only personally felt a small portion of it. Even HE asked to let the cup pass by him and avoid the suffering, but he did it all for ME, Willie, Beau and YOU!

There truly is no greater love than this.

I’m seeing this love in action as I watch Willie suffer and fight for his son. It’s amazing to apply that to my Savior and realize He suffered far worse for me. I can’t express my depth of gratitude for this.

The thing that is really beautiful about trauma and suffering is that it clarifies the important things in this life. I can feel all the unnecessary pieces of myself that no longer serve or support me being burned away in this process. 

All that is left is love.

Love for God and His son Jesus Christ, which reflects as love on me, that I give to my family and all of you.

The most surprising love of all has been the love I have developed for what is happening, for this reality. I am able to see that all of this is a gift to shape and create us and direct our vision inward and upward. It’s the most uncomfortable growth I’ve ever endured, but the results are worth it.

Love NEVER fails!

We will be at Stanford for another couple of weeks while we wait for his blood counts to rebound and the abscess and infection to clear. We’re not sure what will happen after that as the doctors are still deciding what the best plan of action will be for his long treatment.

Thank you all for the love, thoughts, words of encouragement and prayers that you have extended to us.

We truly love all of you!